2021-03-01 - I'll never give up
Wow, it's kind of crazy writing this right now. I'm so glad that I still have my blog after all these years AND that certain posts uploaded here are removed. That is why the last thing I ever wrote was in 2017.Thank you bestie sister for suggesting to lock my blog, now no one besides who I want to read my blog will ever read it again. Hurray! Means I don't need to censor myself which I was initially doing in my previous draft.
Life has been crazy. Three years passed of being somewhere I didn't want to be, where I knew I didn't belong and for quite a long time I had lost hope and the joy of anything really. I didn't cry, I felt numb and I was just there. Living like that certainly didn't help my otherwise already strong thoughts of killing myself and I did want it to end, yet, I kept living and I didn't know why really. Perhaps I could not give up, perhaps I still held on to that slight possibility of some day being truly happy and having what I wanted but many days I thought with negative thoughts. What was the point? I lost my only true family I ever had and the only one I had ever loved and given everything to. I was living this life isolated with someone and people that had no idea what I was feeling inside, who I really was and so I kept up a mask. A mask I wasn't unfamiliar with as I had kept it up just the same with my biological family. The only one I could ever have trusted and whom I could share these things had always been my sister, we always had eachothers backs and now there was nothing. I started seeing myself become bitter, angry and my heart was getting colder. Bottling up all of my emotions lead me into getting severe anxiety and nightly panick attacks. All I knew for all these years was that I was NOT happy but I still pretended everything was fine for what other choice did I have.
In 2019 I was being especially down one day and my ex husband and it slipped that I was not satisfied with life as it was. He asked me if I was going to leave and if we should get a divorce, then to proceed laying on the couch crying and making me feel like I was ruining his life and saying he was going to end his life if I left, so I stayed for his sake which i know was wrong but where else was I going? I had no one to turn to, I had no one to ask for advice. I felt trapped. I tried to keep myself distracted whether it was working out, drawing, writing, etc but it didn't help. Daily, week, after week, month after month, year after year I'd be haunted by regrets and such a big hole in my heart. I blamed myself for never being enough, and I hated myself for being me because back then I thought my twin flame didn't want me and that my family didn't see me as important to them as they were to me.
I remember how many times I got excited when another message had been sent by Saga or Drake but how each time he would be right there to see it, and I play along his agressive comments or if I didn't he'd react to it. He wanted me to have nothing to do with them. I recall another text I had gotten of where I was told my best friend and sister in the whole universe was sick in the hospital and I couldn't do anything to find out what was going on or what it meant, because he was right there again reading every word. That same day Eric messaged me too and it was the last time I ever saw anything from him. Thomas looked at me asking angrily "So if that jerk asked you to come back and be with him would you?" I remember how a warmth filled me for a short moment thinking about being back in my true mates arms and with my family, and the heartache of having to lie and say no. When that was all I ever wanted. No one will ever know how much it pained me when we blocked both the number of my twinnie and of Drake's mother having no idea if my sister was okay. It was a sinking feeling in my stomach. I would never be happy. I would never see them again, they would forget I existed. That's what I thought. I stopped believing in love, because if I was here with this man and felt nothing, and all I ever thought in the past wasn't real then what could I trust. I gave my everything to Eric, truly everything and in that time I felt like there was nothing with me left but it was with him. My heart was with him, my soul, everything and here I was living empty. I was just waiting to die is what life felt like and that was no way to live, I knew that more than anything but didn't know if things would ever change.
I would never have guessed getting back on my old deviantart account would be what would change everything. On the 29th of November (correct me if I'm wrong on the date there? haha) I was sitting by the computer struggling to draw this canine and so I logged on to deviantart to search up some tutorials when I noticed I had gotten a message. Weird I thought at first, who could it be and clicked to read. When I saw who it was from I almost jumped out of my chair. I couldn't believe it, I couldn't believe what I was reading. They hadn't forgotten about me!? So many thoughts, memories and emotions were hitting me and I had never been as happy as that day that my ex husband was at work. Something that also took me aback was that within the message Drake had mentioned a message from Eric too "come back little hummingbird", was that real life? I started pacing the room, my emotions felt like a roller coaster. A wave of sadness, happiness and anger was all rushing over me. A part of me extremely hurt after how things had ended with my mate back then as well as my family. After a couple of hours I began to worry whether my reply had been recieved or not,so in panic of my ex husband coming back home before I could finally hear from them again and fully knowing what would happen if he knew they had messaged I rushed to create another facebook account as fast as I could and I looked up their names. I was so excited and nervous and scared I didn't know what to expect. What followed after was more than I could ever have imagined.
Now, as I am writing this it's March 1st and a lot has happened within these past weeks. I'm currently stayin with my parents, of whom I never thought I'd see again either and since coming back to this family things have been very rough. Their way of life and thinking clashes with mine and always have. They have their thoughts, opinions and wantings of how I should solve this situation I'm in and that I should do exactly as they say and it sucks. Especially when you have one person who absolutely won't back down or leave you alone. and makes you feel like a bother to everyone.
Other than that I am waiting for the bans to lift. Or some way to come back to America and be with the ones that matter the most to me. My family, my ohana. I know what I want and what makes me happy and that is what keeps me going. They are what keeps me going and I'm grateful to them more than they'll ever know. They mean so much to me and I miss them of every minute of every day. All I want is to be there. I want to come home.
