April 3rd - 2022 | Shedding my skin 🐍

Well. Here we are again starting over. Unfortunately the worst came to worst, but at least I'll be free from someone who didn't deserve me in the first place. This time I'll pick up my pieces and work hard as the Slytherin I am. 
2022-04-04 @ 03:55:23 Permalink Text Kommentarer (0) Trackbacks ()

2021-03-01 - I'll never give up

Wow, it's kind of crazy writing this right now. I'm so glad that I still have my blog after all these years AND that certain posts uploaded here are removed. That is why the last thing I ever wrote was in 2017.Thank you bestie sister for suggesting to lock my blog, now no one besides who I want to read my blog will ever read it again. Hurray! Means I don't need to censor myself which I was initially doing in my previous draft. 
 
Life has been crazy. Three years passed of being somewhere I didn't want to be, where I knew I didn't belong and for quite a long time I had lost hope and the joy of anything really. I didn't cry, I felt numb and I was just there. Living like that certainly didn't help my otherwise already strong thoughts of killing myself and I did want it to end, yet, I kept living and I didn't know why really. Perhaps I could not give up, perhaps I still held on to that slight possibility of some day being truly happy and having what I wanted but many days I thought with negative thoughts. What was the point? I lost my only true family I ever had and the only one I had ever loved and given everything to. I was living this life isolated with someone and people that had no idea what I was feeling inside, who I really was and so I kept up a mask. A mask I wasn't unfamiliar with as I had kept it up just the same with my biological family. The only one I could ever have trusted and whom I could share these things had always been my sister, we always had eachothers backs and now there was nothing. I started seeing myself become bitter, angry and my heart was getting colder. Bottling up all of my emotions lead me into getting severe anxiety and nightly panick attacks. All I knew for all these years was that I was NOT happy but I still pretended everything was fine for what other choice did I have. 
 
In 2019 I was being especially down one day and my ex husband and it slipped that I was not satisfied with life as it was. He asked me if I was going to leave and if we should get a divorce, then to proceed laying on the couch crying and making me feel like I was ruining his life and saying he was going to end his life if I left, so I stayed for his sake which i know was wrong but where else was I going? I had no one to turn to, I had no one to ask for advice. I felt trapped. I tried to keep myself distracted whether it was working out, drawing, writing, etc but it didn't help. Daily, week, after week, month after month, year after year I'd be haunted by regrets and such a big hole in my heart. I blamed myself for never being enough, and I hated myself for being me because back then I thought my twin flame didn't want me and that my family didn't see me as important to them as they were to me. 
 
I remember how many times I got excited when another message had been sent by Saga or Drake but how each time he would be right there to see it, and I play along his agressive comments or if I didn't he'd react to it. He wanted me to have nothing to do with them. I recall another text I had gotten of where I was told my best friend and sister in the whole universe was sick in the hospital and I couldn't do anything to find out what was going on or what it meant, because he was right there again reading every word. That same day Eric messaged me too and it was the last time I ever saw anything from him. Thomas looked at me asking angrily "So if that jerk asked you to come back and be with him would you?" I remember how a warmth filled me for a short moment thinking about being back in my true mates arms and with my family, and the heartache of having to lie and say no. When that was all I ever wanted. No one will ever know how much it pained me when we blocked both the number of my twinnie and of Drake's mother having no idea if my sister was okay. It was a sinking feeling in my stomach. I would never be happy. I would never see them again, they would forget I existed. That's what I thought. I stopped believing in love, because if I was here with this man and felt nothing, and all I ever thought in the past wasn't real then what could I trust. I gave my everything to Eric, truly everything and in that time I felt like there was nothing with me left but it was with him. My heart was with him, my soul, everything and here I was living empty. I was just waiting to die is what life felt like and that was no way to live, I knew that more than anything but didn't know if things would ever change. 
 
I would never have guessed getting back on my old deviantart account would be what would change everything. On the 29th of November (correct me if I'm wrong on the date there? haha) I was sitting by the computer struggling to draw this canine and so I logged on to deviantart to search up some tutorials when I noticed I had gotten a message. Weird I thought at first, who could it be and clicked to read. When I saw who it was from I almost jumped out of my chair. I couldn't believe it, I couldn't believe what I was reading. They hadn't forgotten about me!? So many thoughts, memories and emotions were hitting me and I had never been as happy as that day that my ex husband was at work. Something that also took me aback was that within the message Drake had mentioned a message from Eric too "come back little hummingbird", was that real life? I started pacing the room, my emotions felt like a roller coaster. A wave of sadness, happiness and anger was all rushing over me. A part of me extremely hurt after how things had ended with my mate back then as well as my family. After a couple of hours I began to worry whether my reply had been recieved or not,so in panic of my ex husband coming back home before I could finally hear from them again and fully knowing what would happen if he knew they had messaged I rushed to create another facebook account as fast as I could and I looked up their names. I was so excited and nervous and scared I didn't know what to expect. What followed after was more than I could ever have imagined. 
 
Now, as I am writing this it's March 1st and a lot has happened within these past weeks. I'm currently stayin with my parents, of whom I never thought I'd see again either and since coming back to this family things have been very rough. Their way of life and thinking clashes with mine and always have. They have their thoughts, opinions and wantings of how I should solve this situation I'm in and that I should do exactly as they say and it sucks. Especially when you have one person who absolutely won't back down or leave you alone. and makes you feel like a bother to everyone. 
 
Other than that I am waiting for the bans to lift. Or some way to come back to America and be with the ones that matter the most to me. My family, my ohana. I know what I want and what makes me happy and that is what keeps me going. They are what keeps me going and I'm grateful to them more than they'll ever know. They mean so much to me and I miss them of every minute of every day. All I want is to be there. I want to come home. 
 
 
 
 
 
2021-03-01 @ 21:42:23 Permalink Text Kommentarer (0) Trackbacks ()

Asshole; I will move on

Okay, so for about the thousand time in this life I've gotten my heart broken by an asshole. This time it was someone who I trusted and they still lied and cut me in my back. It's fine though, because I feel like I've learned so much from this and I mean, I'm moving forward. I'm going to America with my best friend Saga on the 17th October! It's not long from now and I'm excited. 
 
Obviously I'm still mighty upset and hurt by all of this, however I hope that this other someone is the one. Someone who will finally put me first and love and care for me than anyone else, just like I will them. I'm worried of course and wary because I don't want to get disappointed again. 
2016-10-01 @ 22:17:00 Permalink Text Kommentarer (2) Trackbacks ()

Utkast: Oct. 01, 2016

2016-10-01 @ 22:09:26 Permalink Text Kommentarer (0) Trackbacks ()

12 JULY 2016 - Stories are written, truth unravels the ancient

Honestly I don't even know what to say about the title at this point. I've had too many in the past years, it's hard to really figure out how to even begin these things. However, I have to say I am glad that I still am able to log onto this blog and write about my days. It's nice and to be honest relaxing. 
 
So, what has been happening? It's summer and the windbreeze is cooling, almost too cooling today but I cannot complain since it has been times when it is too hot to bare. Saga is taking a shower right now, so I thought I would take some time to those this. Right before I was writing a story, or should I say a continuing memory I think from a past life. I am not for certain however, so right now I don't know what to say it is. 
 
We'll head out for a nightwalk however and that I am looking forward to. There's a lot to look forward to. I cannot wait to finally have my arms around my beautiful mate. I miss him so much. I know that when that day comes soon hopefully, I will be the happiest girl alive. Because after searching for him for all these years, we've finally found our way back to one another. It is is amazing if you ask me. 
 
I'm still struggling however, like always the depression is a pain in the ass and there are times throughout the days that I just cannot take it, but having Saga and her fiance pushing me through it, it means a lot to me. I cannot thank them enough and I am glad to have the three of them. I'm grateful we got eachother and that is very meaningful to me. 
 
I also have been bothered about the fact I do not have photoshop anymore or a way to edit my pictures, until I looked back on my older posts and found out I had used this photoediting site for free, which is actually really good. I mean the writing stamp isn't the best, but it's better than nothing at least. So now I can finally make my pictures a little more liveful. At least whenever I'm using Saga's computer that is. 
 
 
2016-07-12 @ 19:55:13 Permalink Foto - natur Kommentarer (0) Trackbacks ()

10 JULY 2016 - Periods suck

 
That month when your period is weird, you have cramps from hell and on top of that have the Nigara falls in you, pretty much sucks. To keep track on this craziness I'll mention this on my blog so I'll know for future reference. 
 
Eitherway, a lot has been happening. Me and Saga are still trying to figure things out and find our answers which I'm feeling is going a lot better. 
 
When it comes to him, he came back but his phone isn't working too well so I'm going to have to wait for a while. Good thing though is that he's sage although I am still worried about things. I love him and I know we'll be okay someway or another.
 
PS: I got a new hair cut and I don't know why but I'm getting a familiar/deja vu feeling from it. 
2016-07-10 @ 13:37:10 Permalink Foto - KlÀder/ego Kommentarer (0) Trackbacks ()

6 JULY 2016 - Where are you?

 
That feeling when the one you love is missing and you can't do anything to find them. It sucks, because especially when you're twin flames and share such a deep connection. All the emotions are amplifying. 
 
We haven't spoken for four days now and even his best friend is worried. Please be alive, wherever you are. I'm not losing you after finding you after 21 years. You hear me! 
 
I love him. I love him, I truly love him. 
 
 
2016-07-06 @ 20:13:21 Permalink Foto - Övrigt Kommentarer (0) Trackbacks ()

2 JULY 2016 - Life is moving

Hey, it has been a while since I last went on my blog and I figured I would write something on it, after such a long time. 
 
So, what has been happening? To sum it up, it has been much of a roller coaster in my life. Depression always ruining things and pretty much sticking onto me like super glue. On the other hand I now actually have a goal I will strive for and a dream I'm going to go for, simply put it. Yes, life sucks at certain times more than others but I now have found a reason to keep going. I'm just praying I will not lose that. I hope that now for once I will have my happily ever after, no matter how hard things may be as long as it'd be worth it. 
 
I've found the one who is my twin flame. If you don't know what that is, look it up. Eitherway, I just wish to never have to lose him or them. I feel there's a purpose for me and destiny I must fulfill. 
 
You always had me wrapped around your paw ❀
I found a four leaf clover x 
 
2016-07-02 @ 17:28:00 Permalink Foto - natur Kommentarer (0) Trackbacks ()

27 april 2015 - Feels like forever

Det var lĂ€nge sedan man skrev hĂ€r sist. MĂ„nader och Ă„r har passerat förbi sedan jag skapade bloggen och hur mycket som hĂ€nt under alla dessa Ă„r Ă€r ju galet! Dock fĂ„r det bli en ny start pĂ„ bloggen och jag tĂ€nkte vara mer aktiv igen 😊
 
Visserligen finns det ocksÄ nÄgra positiva som negativa nyheter. Selma, valpen som vi hade innan var vi tvungna att sÀlja för ca. 4 Är sedan om jag inte skrivit redan. De 6 fÄglarna jag alltid skrev om (vi gav bort fem nÀr vi flyttade och Kico var den Ànda kvar men han dog dock nÄgot Är efter det. Fortfarande ledsen över det). Saknar dem och önskar att det inte hade blivit pÄ det sÀttet. 
 
En positiv nyhet dock Àr att jag har en ny flock pÄ fem stycken papegojor ^_^ Miki och Selma (tvÄ nymfparakit honor), Lilo och Stitch (tvÄ sparvpapegojor som Àr ett par) och sedan min halsbandsparakit hona Bowie (som förhoppningsvis snart kommer fÄ en partner).
 
SÄ det lÀr ju bli en massa nytt att skriva om men det som kommer vara kÀrnan i denna blogg Àr: djur, natur, kÀnslor och det övernaturliga M.fl 
 
Bilder kommer ocksĂ„! 💝
 
Ha det sÄ bra tills dess!
 
//Ajka
2015-04-27 @ 14:03:33 Permalink Text Kommentarer (0) Trackbacks ()

15 JANUARI 2012 - I wish you were here..


Wow, det var verkligen ett tag sedan jag sist uppdaterat bloggen. Skrev i mitt förra inlĂ€gg vilka anledningar detta berott av. Just nu Ă€r det söndag, och jag trĂ€nade styrka innan. Det var jobbigt, men vĂ€rt det till 100%! KĂ€nner mig ocksĂ„ ganska trött, och funderar pĂ„ att vila idag. Även plugga till matteprovet som vi har nĂ€sta vecka.



You said you'll come back to me..
But where are you?
Can't you understand that you're all I need?
That you are the one to make me smile?
I miss you...<3





2012-01-15 @ 11:29:00 Permalink Text Kommentarer (0) Trackbacks ()

20/11 - 2011 - Störande..


Jahapp, jag vet inte hur det blir med att börja uppdatera bloggen igen. För det första har jag inget photoshop pÄ min nya standardator, sÄ jag kan inte direkt göra en ny header, eller redigera mina bilder. Och av nÄgon anledning funkar inte internet pÄ min laptop...

Vilket Àr ganska surt, men vad gör man?

Imorgon har vi studiedag och det Àr gött! ^___^

Och jag börjar starkt fundera över om jag istÀllet ska anvÀnda min blogg som en liten diktsamling. Ifall jag kÀnner att jag vill skriva av mig lite.. eller inte.
KÀnns som att jag förlorat inspirationen helt. Grr... det hade varit mycket enklare om jag hade haft photoshop/internet pÄ min laptop. DÄ hade jag Ätminstone kunnat göra en ny design. Den hÀr Àr flera mÄnader gammal, och bara irriterande.

FÄr vÀl se hur det blir...

Ta hand om er!

2011-11-20 @ 09:47:36 Permalink Text Kommentarer (1) Trackbacks ()

28 SEPTEMBER 2011 - I'm feeling blue..

 
At times I don't know where I'm going..
Where to stop, where to look or where to go..
But I guess, even when everything feels hopeless now..
I will still try my best and never give up..
 
Maybe one day, we'll find eachother..

That will be the best day in my whole life <3
 
 
2011-09-28 @ 17:24:00 Permalink Text Kommentarer (0) Trackbacks ()

26 SEPTEMBER 2011 - And I'm tired of waiting..

 
 
"Waiting here in line, hoping that I'll find what I've been chasing.."
 
</3
 
 
 
2011-09-26 @ 17:13:00 Permalink Text Kommentarer (0) Trackbacks ()

24 SEPTEMBER 2011 - I guess it was my dreams again..


Egentligen vet jag inte varför, men det finns ingen anledning till att hoppas nÄgot mer.
Jag försökte verkligen, gav min tid & allt bara för att det skulle hÀnda.
Det gjorde det inte, och min framtid kommer bara att vara ett rakt streck.
Visst ett liv, och jag kommer vÀl ha roliga stunder dÄ & dÄ.
Men det kommer aldrig att vara min sanna glÀdje som jag vill slÀppa ut.
För den finns inte mer, det tog  dem idioterna ifrÄn mig.
Ni krossade min dröm & lÀt mig tro att det fanns hopp!
Jag hatar personer som sÀger nÄgot, men inte hÄller det.
Tack vare Àr har jag hoppats i onödan.
Pfft, som att livet blir bÀttre.
Visst, klart det blir bÀttre.
MEN, jag kommer aldrig vara med om det som mitt hjÀrta & sjÀl suktar efter.
Det som skulle fÄ mig att bli hel igen, och för en gÄng skull verkligen kÀnna Àkta lycka.
IstÀllet blir det som förr, skolan, lÀsa vidare, skaffa jobb & familj.
Och det Àr min framtid..
Klart att det Àr nÄgot som Àr en del utav livet, sÀger inte att det inte skulle vara viktigt.
Dock gör det ont i mig, att jag aldrig kommer uppfylla mitt "levnadsöde"..
Jag antar att det inte Àr meningen att jag ska fÄ uppleva det..
Allt jag ville var att hjÀlpa till & vara en del utav det.
Varför inte bara sÀga som det Àr, istÀllet för att ignorera?

Usch, detta var verkligen en negativ text..

I guess I'm just meant to live like this..

2011-09-24 @ 21:12:13 Permalink Text Kommentarer (0) Trackbacks ()

20 SEPTEMBER 2011 - What do you mean?

 
 
I can't see it anymore..
You know, hope..
I don't even know why I'm going on..
It doesn't matter...
 
 
Darkness..
The sound of silence..
I wish..
I could find..
you..
 
2011-09-20 @ 16:46:00 Permalink Text Kommentarer (0) Trackbacks ()

18 SEPTEMBER 2011 - NOOOOO!

 
I don't know where I'm supposed to go, or what I need to do..
I can't think straight, just take me out of this hell!!
 
Captured in the dark..
I try to escape, but there's no way..
 
2011-09-18 @ 16:36:00 Permalink Text Kommentarer (0) Trackbacks ()

17 SEPTEMBER 2011 - Chasing cars, more like stars..

 
"You're out of my life, it cuts me like knives, and now it's too late too late to say I'm sorry"
 
2011-09-17 @ 10:09:00 Permalink Text Kommentarer (0) Trackbacks ()

13 SEPTEMBER 2011 - Whistles in the crowd..

 
 I feel, okay, it sucks..
 
2011-09-13 @ 09:57:00 Permalink Text Kommentarer (0) Trackbacks ()

10 SEPTEMBER 2011 - No life, no life..no words to describe..

 
You think you know who I am?
No, you don't..
No one of you understands, and it doesn't matter how much I explain..
All you think, it's still crazy..
 
 
I wish you were here :'( Where are you?
 
2011-09-10 @ 09:48:00 Permalink Text Kommentarer (0) Trackbacks ()

9 SEPTEMBER 2011 - I feel down..


MÄr skit rent ut sagt, och huvudet vÀrker. KÀnner mig trött,hÀngig och som om inte det vore nog, har jag Àven ont i foten/knÀna. Yey, vad underbart >.<

Även ganska nere pĂ„ grund av olika orsaker, vilket Ă€r inte sĂ„ jĂ€tte kul. Men, vad gör man? Jag borde aldrig trott att det skulle förĂ€ndras och att jag Ă€ntligen skulle fĂ„ min önskan uppfylld. Vilket slöseri med tid nĂ€r jag tĂ€nker pĂ„ det nu.

Allt jag fick av den tiden jag la ner pÄ detta var sorg,smÀrta och besvikelse. Jag orkar inte kÀmpa mer! För det verkar som att hur mycket jag Àn försöker kommer det aldrig hÀnda mig. Skit.. '/

Du hade rÀtt. Man kan inte lita pÄ nÄgon, för alla sviker & alla sÄrar. Precis som du gjorde mot mig.

FrÄgan Àr hur lÀnge stÄr jag ut?


 
"Alone in this darkness, with a fake smile from the outside. But my inside is breaking down, can't you see my pain?.."



2011-09-09 @ 07:00:38 Permalink Text Kommentarer (0) Trackbacks ()

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